52: Feeling Deeply + Living Out Loud
With Tori Deal, Author
Do you struggle with big emotions? In this episode, I talk with Tori Deal about what to keep in your emotional regulation toolkit and:
• Building emotional resilience through poetry, meditation, and movement
• The importance of creating safe spaces for yourself when facing challenges
• Three types of meditation and their benefits
• Balancing your needs to be creative and introspective while being in the spotlight
On the surface, you’ll see Tori competing in wild stunts on MTV’s The Challenge and showing up on social media with confidence. But beneath it all, she's a deeply sensitive soul, fully aware of how wild it is to be alive, always striving to connect with others on the deepest level possible. As the author of two books—currently working on a third—Tori embraces both my individual creative space and the spotlight in equal measure.
Keep in touch with Tori:
• Website: http://www.thesoulspill.com
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tori_deal
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesoulspill
Resources Mentioned:
• The Soul Spill by Tori Deal: https://shop.torideal.com/products/the-soul-spill
• The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist: https://bookshop.org/a/63892/9780393353976
Thanks for listening!
You can also follow "SensitiveStrengths" for behind-the-scenes content plus more educational and inspirational HSP resources:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sensitivestrengths
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This episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Some links are affiliate links. You are under no obligation to purchase any book, product or service. I am not responsible for the quality or satisfaction of any purchase.
Episode Transcript
Tori Deal: 0:17
I think a lot of where my ability to want to create and to want to put myself out there is because I can align my emotions and somehow channel it into feeding what I believe is my purpose. That feels spiritual in a way.
April Snow: 0:39
Welcome to Sensitive Stories, the podcast for the people who live with hearts and eyes wide open. I'm your host, psychotherapist and author, april Snow. I invite you to join me as I deep dive into rich conversations with fellow highly sensitive people that will inspire you to live a more fulfilling life as an HSP without all the overwhelm. In this episode, I talk with Tori Diehl about the experience of having big feelings as an HSP. What's helpful to have in your toolbox, such as poetry, meditation and movement, and balancing life in the spotlight when you're highly sensitive.
April Snow: 1:19
On the surface, you'll see Tori competing in wild stunts on MTV's the Challenge and showing up on social media with confidence, but underneath it all, she's a deeply sensitive soul, fully aware of how wild it is to be alive, always striving to connect with others on the deepest level possible. As the author of two books currently working on a third, as the author of two books currently working on a third, tori embraces both individual creative space and the spotlight in equal measure. For more HSP resources and to see behind-the-scenes video from the podcast, join me on Instagram, tiktok or YouTube at Sensitive Strengths or sign up for my email list. Links are in the show notes and at sensitivestoriescom. And just a reminder that this episode is for educational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment with a mental health or medical professional. Let's dive in. Hi Tori, welcome to the podcast. I'm so excited to connect with you today.
Tori Deal: 2:44
April. I am beyond excited to connect with you and I love that I found you through your work and the space you create on social media. So it's really just not just an honor to be here but, like I already feel super relaxed.
April Snow: 2:54
Same, absolutely. I'm so excited to connect. You know, I love that we can meet folks through Instagram and just a little shout out to Dorothy and Ren yes, and Ren's Coffee, alice and Books. That's how we came to know each other and, yeah, and now we're getting to know each other a little bit further and face to face, which I love.
Tori Deal: 3:11
Absolutely.
April Snow: 3:12
And just excited to hear more about your internal work, Because I know you spend a lot of time in the public space and out in the spotlight.
Tori Deal: 3:21
but I'm excited to go a little deeper today. Yes, and I love to go there. Anybody who's willing to go to that depth with me. I'm like let's go, let's do it Right, that's what we do down there.
April Snow: 3:30
Exactly. Let's go deep. So, speaking of that, I'm wondering. I always like to hear about how you got here to knowing that you're sensitive, so I'd love to know a little bit more about your HSP discovery story, how or when that you realized, oh, I'm more sensitive than other people.
Tori Deal: 3:46
Yes, and you know, I didn't even know that HSP was a thing until you. Wow, okay, I thought on it. I knew so when I picked up the workbook, because the name of the workbook is Find your Strength, which I'm sure your whole audience already knows. I just wanted to say it right, so I had to like, look at it very quickly, I'm like let me not mess this up, but I saw the book that Ren posted and was immediately drawn to it.
Tori Deal: 4:11
I picked it up and I started going through it, and so I guess that's when I figured out that a lot of the prompts in the workbook were things I was experiencing. But I never considered myself a highly sensitive person, because I feel like when I think of a highly sensitive person I'd never. I'm also very out in the public eye. I'm also like doing a lot of charisma charisma I don't even know if that's a word Charismatic.
April Snow: 4:36
Charismatic things.
Tori Deal: 4:38
You know, I'm out there, I'm in the streets, so like I felt, like you know, maybe that's not me, but when I think about it on a deeper, deeper level, I have always been extremely sensitive. My connection with animals has kind of been the first doorway for that for me. I'm a full vegan. I have been for over three years now and I've always kind of like teetered the line of vegetarianism and veganism but I've never, like I never fully committed to it until more recently. But that's kind of when I realized, okay, I have a lot of feelings and a lot of connections with just people. Anytime anybody talks to me, I can put myself in that person's shoes and I can feel what they're feeling. Anytime it has to take a really nasty person for me to forget that I'm supposed to try to put myself in their shoes. It's just automatic. Yeah, it's just automatic. The moment somebody meets me, I meet them exactly where they're at, and that has carried me through really interesting places in life.
Tori Deal: 5:39
Like it's been this blend of being an athlete, you know, but also like creating a lot of camaraderie on my team. I was always picked to be a captain and I think that had to do with not my skill set, because I was not the best soccer player, like, was not. I just had an ability to connect with a lot of my teammates, which is what you know being a good captain is essentially. And then that translated into eventually getting on a TV show, which my first one was this show, are you the One? And it was a dating show.
Tori Deal: 6:09
But you also have to connect with your castmates, and so then again it comes down to connection, and I always felt like I thrived in that area, having deep conversations with people and really getting to know them, like, not just like these these frizzy little frail combos about gossip or whatever. I can't, it's just so low energy to me. So when I started to realize, okay, this is kind of who I am, I'm still learning about it, I guess, I like to say, but more recently I've really just kind of tapped into what it is, and so thank you for putting out all you do, because I feel like I've learned so much from you already.
April Snow: 6:49
I'm so honored to be part of that process for you. Because, it's true, If you look at the surface of what you're doing online and maybe in your personal life too I'm not sure, but you wouldn't tag you as a sensitive person. But when I looked at the space between the lines, how you talk about your experiences, the depth that you share, your emotionality reading your book Soul Spill, HSP, all over the place, it's like this is so obvious and I just want to give folks watching this on YouTube just like a little sneak peek here, because if you just look at some of the imagery and I know you had an illustrator, but yeah, I know this is kind of the vibe we're going for here.
April Snow: 7:30
Yeah, right, and I just want to read a little passage this is one of my favorites.
Tori Deal: 7:34
If that's okay, just to pause here real quick absolutely.
April Snow: 7:38
this one's called lost, a desolate plummet coiled in pain, lost in and Drowned by the Rain. And that's just a little sneak peek. This book is so deep and emotional, like there's no way you're not an HSP.
Tori Deal: 7:51
Yeah, yeah, super emotional person, yeah, super emotional. Balancing emotions has been such an interesting experience because I was on SSRIs for two and a half years and I just recently came off them and I mean like that is a whole other conversation, but like learning how to balance emotions and like feeling them is a work of a lifetime, truly.
April Snow: 8:20
That's an understatement. Yeah, yeah, it's life's work. Yeah, lifetime, truly, that's an understatement. Yeah, it's life's work. Yeah, it is. And this is one of the reasons I was excited to talk to you, because you are not the stereotypical HSP. But I think we need to highlight the folks that don't fit in this kind of fragile mold. We can be out here as HSPs. We can show up, we can be in the spotlight, we can, you know, put out our creative works and internal emotional feelings out in the world. We can do all that.
April Snow: 8:51
Yes, and so I love yeah, right, like let's do more of that, and I love seeing you put all those pieces together for yourself, like, yeah, all these things can be true.
Tori Deal: 9:00
Yeah, definitely, I totally agree. And at some point I guess there was this like learning of how to take a lot of sad feelings and turn them into a more action-based approach. Like there's an anger in here now, so where are we going with this Exactly? So how can I use that anger and turn it into something that is healing but also powerful and then maybe can make an impact? You know, I think a lot of where my ability to want to create and to want to put myself out there is because I feel, like, am I aligning with my purpose? Like, why am I on the planet? What am I here to do? I'm not saying I'm special, but like I'm here, so why? You know like. And so if I can align my emotions and somehow channel it into feeding what I believe is my purpose, well then, that at least gives me purpose to be here, you know. So it feels like spiritual in a way.
April Snow: 9:56
Yeah, it's deeper right. I mean, there's some reason you're feeling the anger, the sadness, all the emotions, and the message is dampen those down, keep those contained, but as you're starting, maybe, to step into them more, you get to see, oh wait, there's meaning here.
Tori Deal: 10:16
Yes.
April Snow: 10:16
Right, like anger is not here just because I'm not being irrational, I'm not being dramatic. There's a reason. Yes, right, so I'm curious if you're open to it. You know, as you were growing up not knowing you were sensitive, and so many of us don't. We just know something different about me. I feel more. You know I'm not quite like some of the other people in my life. Was there messages you got about being a big feeler? Was there?
Tori Deal: 10:42
messages you got about being a big feeler, you know? Not really, because I would say that I kept a lot of my emotions to myself and I wrote poetry.
April Snow: 10:52
Yeah.
Tori Deal: 10:52
And I like really realized how sad I was when I was like I went back to my dad's house after I had moved back home and I like was going through old boxes that I had when I lived there and I saw a poem, like a really sad poem that I wrote, I guess, when I was a kid, and I was like, oh, this is where, this is where it all went.
Tori Deal: 11:10
The outside world, like I in my family, in my childhood dynamic I was always the funny one, the one that made the situation easier for everyone to cope with, and I became the scapegoat for entertainment because it alleviated some type of chaos that was happening within the family and that has just completely multiplied for my adult life. So, like I have been working with a life coach for, I'd say, five years now, I've had a therapist in between that experience. So I've done so much work figuring out now how it turned from that to this, because at some point I'm like wait, how did I get here?
Tori Deal: 11:51
It stems from everything back there. So I think I started to realize when I was sensitive, when I guess, you know, my friends weren't writing poetry or my friends, you know, they weren't doing these kinds of things. So I'm like, okay, well, I'm figuring out an outlet. So, this means that there's something that needs to come out.
April Snow: 12:08
Exactly, and you had the intuition to know. Poetry is a way to let that out. Yes, right, isn't that amazing.
Tori Deal: 12:16
Yes.
April Snow: 12:16
Because how do you know that it doesn't sound like you come from a family of poets.
Tori Deal: 12:21
No, but you know what it was. I always had like a like the relationship with my mom was she is a good person and she means well, but I think there was a portion of time where there was a bit of a disconnection, and so there was one point where she gave me a compliment and I took that compliment and I ran with that compliment. She was like oh, you're a good writer, and like that made me feel like that was a point of connection with my mother. And it's so funny because I'm like really piecing that together kind of right now, like I feel like.
Tori Deal: 12:50
I knew that, but I never really said that out loud before, so it's interesting.
April Snow: 12:54
It's important.
Tori Deal: 12:55
Yeah, I think that like moment was very, very powerful.
April Snow: 13:06
It makes sense because as HSPs we take any little morsel, we soak every bit out of it. I can relate to that a lot. Like those comments that might even be just said in passing, they mean everything to us, everything, everything. And that was, you know, mom's little way of saying like, oh, this is okay, or I support you, or whatever. The message was yes, and you're like yes, please I'll take it. Yeah.
April Snow: 13:26
How many poems will you read Exactly? I'll read a hundred, yeah, exactly, and then that leads you to writing a book. I mean, that's pretty amazing, right that? That's the impact.
Tori Deal: 13:39
Oh man, like what a cool experience to and you know I'm sure you feel the same way about being an author Like it's just such a work of heart and a labor of love.
April Snow: 13:48
It is truly a labor of love. Yeah, and there's a lot of growth that happens in the process. Just for myself, I don't know if that would be true for you, given how personal it really is, definitely.
Tori Deal: 13:58
Yeah, there were some poems in there like like I had to kind of run by my family because I never talked to them about some of those moments before, and so when I did, eventually, you know, it was just cathartic. It opened me right up, you know, and like it just brought us together in a way that we were able to heal things from many years before.
April Snow: 14:18
So it felt like a very important part of my healing process many years before, so it felt like a very important part of my healing process. Yeah, it's interesting because you said you used to be the scapegoat in the family, and that's often how the emotional ones are we just take it all on and we are the emotional channelers for the family. Yes, but now it sounds like you're more of the emotional leader.
Tori Deal: 14:40
It does feel good in that way. And you know, what's so cool is I'm like really stepping into that leadership role. And I kind of got this from doing the workbook because there was a prompt about what's in your toolkit when you're feeling like, when you're feeling like you're having one of these emotional moments and for me it's always been meditating emotional moments and for me it's always been meditating and I realized how much I loved it and I have just constantly been writing about it. And that moment for me was like, oh, I should dive deeper into this. And now I'm getting certified to be a meditation coach. Oh, I love this. Yes, so it's helping me. It helped me kind of step into that confidence, which is another thing that I struggled with. Well, like how can you be confident with your emotions? Like it's not a career, right?
Tori Deal: 15:23
Like I guess it is when you're a therapist right? It is yeah, I made a job out of it. Yeah, you can absolutely make a job out of it. I guess you know what You're so right. So you're a professional emotional wrestler.
April Snow: 15:36
I always joke. People pay me to help them cry.
Tori Deal: 15:40
But like it's such a great and beautiful thing, you know it really is.
April Snow: 15:44
I feel it's a privilege.
Tori Deal: 15:46
Yeah, I mean, and for you to be able to help other people the way you do, you have to have been able to feel that pain.
April Snow: 15:53
Absolutely. You have to do the work first. Yeah, right, just like you have to sit in meditation and experience the discomfort and the bliss of that, all of it first, before you can guide others through it. Yes, yes.
Tori Deal: 16:07
And intuitively, I was already like opening up my space to being like friend, let me guide you through meditation Right, like yeah, but now that I've really honed in on it and like have been like learning so so much, it's been such an awesome way to be a leader in this emotional space, in a place that comes straight from my toolkit.
April Snow: 16:27
Yeah, right, and I think a lot of times we don't even realize what's in our toolkit.
Tori Deal: 16:32
Yeah, that's true.
April Snow: 16:33
Because it comes naturally or organically, like poetry did for you. So you've mentioned poetry, you've mentioned meditation. I'm curious are those the primary tools or there other tools that help you really sit with and maybe work through your emotions?
Tori Deal: 16:48
Yeah, so I definitely think relying on a friend has always been a big one for me, like being able to like have that one trusted person to confide in and then the other one is kind of like where I guess it's like a power meditation. It's when I'm working out Like I love. I don't love working out, but I love the feeling I experience when. I'm done working out.
April Snow: 17:10
Right, and you know what I'm realizing now. I think a lot of times we think sensitive. Oh, we have to be gentle with ourselves. But you're hearing a lot more, which I'm excited about that. Working out, pushing yourself, actually builds resilience in your nervous system. Right, and we know the effects of on our mood and our energy, but also on our regulation. Yes, so exciting to see. So I love seeing that you're modeling that for folks.
Tori Deal: 17:34
Thank you, yeah, and it's the integration of mind, body, spirit. That's what it is. It's that body piece that, when I'm not actively practicing some type of movement whether it's a slow yoga flow or it's a dance sometimes I'm chaotically dancing around my house like no one watching. Oh yeah, you have to, you have to. Honestly, I wish people were watching because it's great. It's really not. It's really really not. I bet it's freeing, though.
April Snow: 18:04
I mean I have a space that I left clear in my living room just so I could like dance with a band in yes, yeah, just lose it Exactly.
Tori Deal: 18:12
So, yeah, I think like, yeah, movement is so, so, so key, and it's a form of meditation in a way. Once you get to that place of like that runner's high can kind of bring you there, if you do like a walking meditation, which is something that's really cool, you get this euphoric experience of connecting mind and body and spirit. And so there's so many, there's so many cool ways to incorporate movement into being in your toolkit.
April Snow: 18:36
Absolutely, and I love that you're talking about these tools which I think we often segregate. Oh, meditation's over here and then exercise is over here. No, we can blend them together. Yeah Right, they can all be one. Everything could be spiritual.
Tori Deal: 18:50
Everything. If it's an act of love, if you're doing it with love and awareness, it's a spiritual activity.
April Snow: 18:55
That's it Exactly. It's really the mindset you bring to it. Yes, so working out for you is more than working out.
Tori Deal: 19:02
Definitely, and sometimes it's not. I'll be honest, sometimes it's you know me bullying myself Like all right, you know you have to get ready to compete soon, sure, kind of put on that warrior attitude. But when it's like right now I'm in an off season, I'm not going to be competing for probably a year. If I decide to compete again in a year, I'm taking like a really big, beautiful, long break for myself and in this time I'm definitely not bullying myself in the gym, you know, like it's just we're flowing through it yes, yeah, just letting yourself be.
April Snow: 19:33
and for folks who are listening, you say compete, can you let them? Them know what you mean by that? Yeah, yes.
Tori Deal: 19:38
So I originally you know I talked about I was on a dating show called Are you the One? And then that really is what catapulted me to be on another show called the Challenge, which is on MTV. And it's like I always tell people not to watch it because it's like, you know, I would have never in a million years watched it had I not been on it. And that's not because I don't like reality TV Actually, that's exactly why I don't like reality TV but I got pulled into it and there was that physicality aspect and I played soccer my whole life.
Tori Deal: 20:08
So a lot of the people that they cast on the show never really took athleticism seriously enough. They were more gamers, like political gamers, which is still a great quality to have in the game, sure, but when it comes to the challenge, it really also depends on being able to compete. So, yeah, I've been a competitor on the challenge from season 30 to basically season 40 and maybe took two off in between. So just years of doing insane stunts, throwing my body off a 700-foot building, like you know, running into someone full speed it's called a hall brawl Doesn't feel good when you're done. No.
Tori Deal: 20:51
I bet Like lots of really aggressive masculine energy kind of things.
April Snow: 20:58
Yeah, but you're really pushing yourself right in that. I'm curious for you it sounds like it's a physical challenge, but is there anything that you gain in that, emotionally or mentally, from that practice? I'm sure it's more than just what we're seeing on the screen.
Tori Deal: 21:17
Definitely mentally from that practice. I'm sure it's more than just what we're seeing on the screen, Definitely. So the whole thing, like the entire experience of filming a season it goes for. The longest it will go is three months, so we compete maybe two times a week unless you have to go into an elimination, but there's only four times to compete, total within that week and you're there for 12 weeks. So it's a lot of competing but there's also a lot of downtime. Yeah.
Tori Deal: 21:39
And the competitions. Sometimes they're very short, Sometimes it's just jumping off the building, and that was like it took two minutes for your round, you know.
Tori Deal: 21:46
So there is a lot of downtime, and so it's interesting because when you're in this downtime in between competing, you have to go through this emotional state of being very worried what the competition is, nervous about it, anxiety, all of these fears start to come up and then you kind of go into the high of like oh, now I'm competing, so your emotions are really just kind of scattered throughout this entire process. So years of doing this, like I have seen myself be completely emotionally dysregulated while I was competing and I've seen how that's shown up in my I just have seen the difference in myself over the years and being able to manage my emotions. So I think from the physical competing portion I have gained definitely an emotional resilience because I believe in myself. There is more confidence that I have that I will be able to push through something, whether it's a physical obstacle, or if it's a mental obstacle, I've survived. I'm like I'm still here.
April Snow: 22:46
Right, and this is what a teacher it's like. When I'm doing therapy and I can help the person hold themselves back against past versions, you get to do the same thing In season five, season eight, season 10. That you're doing. You know over the 10 seasons that you've been involved. You can see the progress. Yes, so it sounds like you know going forward. You're regulating your emotions more.
Tori Deal: 23:09
Yes, absolutely. And like the season I won, the first season I won was actually the first season that I was like this is when I had just started to take antidepressants and I was like really, really shifting away from the drama and the chaos that that type of environment can create. And, like I said, now I'm not on that anymore and I have nothing negative or positive to say about being on that or not being on them. It's totally neutral.
April Snow: 23:34
You know it's either good for you in the space or you're done with them.
Tori Deal: 23:35
So Exactly, and sometimes you're on them, it's totally neutral.
April Snow: 23:36
You know it's either good for you in the space or you're done with them, so Exactly, and sometimes you're on them forever and sometimes you do it for a period to get yourself back on track. There's so many options there and it sounds like it helped you get through a period.
Tori Deal: 23:47
It was totally a crutch for me and it was a very necessary one, like, yeah, I mean, like I don't want to like be dramatic, but like I can't imagine not saying it didn't save my life, because I feel like it did. It was such a big piece of me being happy and learning to love myself again and trusting myself, and I felt like the universe rewarded me with finally, after season after season losing, finally winning a season, like it was that season that I was like finally really holding space for my emotions and all of the stuff that comes with, just like you know, everything that life offers all of us.
April Snow: 24:22
So, right, because you're not just doing this challenge. Life is still going on, yeah, family and friends and relationships, and you know all the things, right, right. But you know you found something else to keep in your toolbox. Yeah, just going back to that. You know that metaphor and it got you to here, which I always love those pieces that are little bridges.
April Snow: 24:45
Just get me to the next phase right, yeah, and you also talked about downtime in there. I think that's important to recognize. You might see the intensity on the screen, but it's not the whole story. You might see the intensity on the screen, but it's not the whole story, and this is such a great metaphor for life. You may see someone out there in the spotlight, but it doesn't mean that's the whole picture. There are other things going on. I'm curious if you're open to sharing. What are you doing in that downtime? Are you processing? Are you writing poetry? Are you connecting with people?
Tori Deal: 25:16
Yes, the answer is yes. I am usually pretty when it comes to connecting with people in that environment. The different tapestry of people they cast it is. So you have to connect with everybody because it's a political game, but like if I was outside in the real world, it would be very difficult for me to connect with some of those energies. That's the best way for me to put it. So I definitely prioritize creating a safe space I know that it's also mentioned in your book like creating a cozy bedroom space.
Tori Deal: 25:46
We sleep in bunk beds. I will find a potted plant in the house. I will find some cute rocks outside. I will literally yard sale my room. I will find stuff around and I will make it cozy. And as people leave the game and get eliminated, I'll take their pillow or I'll take their comforter, and now I'm building it up to make it fluffy. So I'll create a safe space and I'm tapping into meditation. I'm sitting in nature as much as possible and connecting with that, because nature is just literal, literal medicine and writing a lot as much as I can.
April Snow: 26:24
Yeah, you bring up such a good point that you can create a safe space anywhere, right? Sometimes it's purely internal, and then other times you're finding those little anchors. It's a rock, it's a plant, it's an extra blanket, just something to create some coziness or some connection to something real. Yeah, right, are you? So you basically, are not allowed to bring much or anything. Not too much, no, not too much. So you're needing to be resourceful.
Tori Deal: 26:50
Yeah, like always bring like a crystal, you know, always like something small but and like pictures of my cat you know, things that, like I can like pray to.
April Snow: 27:01
Exactly Right. Those, those reminders of home.
Tori Deal: 27:04
Yeah, but small, very, very small.
April Snow: 27:07
Yeah.
Tori Deal: 27:09
Which has been helpful with traveling too. Like, even when I leave, I do travel a lot and I'm always kind of like getting thrown in the mix of like do this event or do this thing, and I have a hard time saying no. So I'm always kind of like getting thrown in the mix of like do this event or do this thing, and I have a hard time saying no. So I'm kind of like sure, and then, like, I find myself in this position literally right now I have to leave this weekend to go to Miami for this huge thing and I have been having anxiety all week about this and I'm like I'm just going to bring I literally have it in my mind I'm going to bring my little crystal. I'm going to bring my rock that says dream on it. I'm going to bring, like I am applying those same like things that I bring to the challenge. I apply that now to my everyday, every you know, regular life travel.
April Snow: 27:50
Right, it's such a teacher like oh, this actually helps me. Yeah, I can get through hard things because I'm taking care of myself. Yeah, yeah, is that a different mindset than a few years ago?
Tori Deal: 28:04
You know I think it is more aware. I would say it's more aware, I think, a few years ago. It's a little bit more like. I'm just kind of hoping that I'll find comfort there. Or maybe if I brought this like, yes, this does bring me comfort, but now it's like, okay, I know. If I want to ease my tension right now or deal with the fact that, like I have to be in an airport with a bunch of people or on a flight or in a hotel that I've never been at before, then I'm gonna try my best to bring my space with me. So it's definitely helpful to like be more intentional about it, which I also like the idea of a workbook and being able to like physically write some of these things down. You'd be surprised with how much you already do know. But, like when you put pen to paper, it's like, oh yeah, here's my map. Right, I've been navigating off my brain map, which is like always interesting, like a thought pops up and all of a sudden, map gone, exactly.
April Snow: 29:02
Well, that's it. When we get dysregulated, all those tools kind of go out the window. I always think like, or I say you know, I've got my tools, but I don't choose to use them because we forget, right, we go completely offline and we're in that swirl, that internal swirl, just being in panic or anxiety mode. It's like, oh wait, let me just write that down and look at my cheat sheet here. Totally, what are my tools? Yeah, or having something tangible. Okay, like I'm here, I'm okay. The world is not on fire. Yeah, yeah, I'm okay right now. You just need those things that bring you back.
Tori Deal: 29:38
Even like my wallpaper on my phone. Like sometimes, if I know I need like a mantra, I'm like, okay, I know I'm going to see my phone, I'm going to put it right there.
April Snow: 29:46
Yep Best place Boom, I'm always doing that. You just have to have those things that just pop right in front of you.
Tori Deal: 29:53
Yeah, yeah.
April Snow: 29:54
Definitely it doesn't have to be that complicated, right, like I think. A lot of times people think clients always say this to me like oh, it's so easy, it's not going to work Like it will work.
Tori Deal: 30:04
Yeah.
April Snow: 30:05
Right, like meditation, I think people also make more complicated than it needs to be.
Tori Deal: 30:18
Yeah, and you know, what's so interesting about meditation is there's three different major types and they apply to different types of people. So depending on the type of person you are so let's say you're somebody who is like math driven and a numbers person you're going to benefit more easily from a focus meditation, which is literally sitting still for five minutes, breathing in one, exhaling two and then just focusing on those numbers. For if you're just beginning, try one minute, you know, try two minutes. That's going to activate the part of your brain that you feel most comfortable using, which is your prefrontal cortex. If you are somebody who is looking for emotional regulation, then you need to tap into an awareness meditation, which is when you close your eyes and you bring yourself to your center and you can kind of just bring soft awareness to different parts of your body. How do my feet feel, how do my knees feel, how does my heart feel, how do my hands feel? All these places, and this accesses your amygdala, and that is to help you with emotional regulation.
April Snow: 31:12
Right, okay, this makes a lot of sense. Yeah, and there's one more.
Tori Deal: 31:17
One more, yeah, and so then there's visualization meditation, which is my favorite because I'm super creative and so I love to kind of like live in the land of you know wherever. Also, if you're somebody who can like tap into escapism too much, then, like you know, this one is easy to go to but, like it's recommended to kind of keep yourself from going too far out into the, because what you want to do is make sure that you feel good in your body. But in visualization you're basically just accessing, you're visualizing yourself doing something that you love, like an athlete might visualize themselves like kicking the ball in the net, and therefore they're manifesting it, but they're more so like allowing that experience to live in their body and accepting it. So, and that accesses your occipital lobe and one other part of your brain that I can't remember off the top of my head right now, but it's so different for everybody you know.
April Snow: 32:07
Yeah, and I think we do put meditation in a box, like, oh, I've got to sit perfectly still cross-legged, you know, but it's like no, there's so many ways in.
Tori Deal: 32:18
Yeah, there's so many ways in. There's so many ways in.
April Snow: 32:20
And I really appreciate you breaking that down because I hadn't heard of those three categories before Focus, awareness, visualization, Visualization I personally love it so much.
Tori Deal: 32:29
Same.
April Snow: 32:30
Because it allows me to try on something. Yeah, I think that's really good. I don't have any research to back this, but I think, as an HSP, that's really helpful, because then I get comfortable with it before it actually happens, or it helps me kind of clear out all the noise. I'm currently working on a book and I just keep visualizing the book being finished, which is helping me get through the hard parts of writing the book. That's amazing, just like I imagine you're doing the same when you're going up in a challenge or you're doing something athletic, or whatever you're doing, you're writing your own works.
Tori Deal: 33:01
Yeah, like let me visualize this Absolutely and like I know that you say that you maybe don't have like the stats to back it up, but like why not be the first person to kind? Of trailblaze that and like create some stats around it. Like good point.
April Snow: 33:14
Yeah, because it makes a lot of sense. And yeah yeah, I mean, and just to have these options. You know you can.
Tori Deal: 33:24
I think I like to probably dabble in all three, but visualization has my heart.
Tori Deal: 33:25
Yeah Well, same literally the same and it's funny because that one is being introduced to us in the course. Last, because I think a lot of people resonate with that, especially people who naturally find themselves meditating, People who are more logic, like, number-based and you know they love structure. Those people are definitely probably not looking for meditation as an outlet first. So introducing them to something like a focus meditation is just. It's going to be received better because it feels more tangible to them.
April Snow: 33:55
That makes sense right, Because it's matching how their brain works. Yeah Right, I think that's so important, Like go for the thing that feels like it's a good fit. Yes, exactly. Why are we trying to push ourselves and do something that doesn't work?
Tori Deal: 34:10
Yeah, and like what you said, try something on Exactly. You can push ourselves and do something that doesn't work. Yeah, and like what you said, try something on like you can do it for five minutes, like that's an investment of your exploration in what served you.
April Snow: 34:19
Exactly. Oh, I love that. Yeah, exploring what served you or what could serve you, yeah, what could serve you yeah, how do you know yet? So and I know we're going off the cuff here a little bit we didn't plan to talk about this, but I'm just thinking about okay, if I'm just starting out meditating and I'm dabbling in these, maybe these three different types, so there's going to be some initial clunkiness. I might not know what it feels like yet. I might have a little bit of resistance, especially if I am in a really anxious state. So how do we know when to lean in or switch gears and try a different type?
Tori Deal: 34:56
Well, I think you sit with like my coach tells me, you sit with one for you. Don't just rush out of one, you have to give it the opportunity to show you what it's made of. So allowing yourself to experience the resistance but still showing up is huge. And also, I think that could probably build that emotional resilience that you mentioned, because we're not always going to be comfortable and that's kind of part of the process. So the more we learn how to just allow the discomfort to kind of breeze by us, the easier it will be with everything.
April Snow: 35:34
Absolutely. This is an opportunity to build that resilience. Don't give up too early.
Tori Deal: 35:42
Yeah, and with the course you know, we tried focus for about a week, then we went to awareness for about a week, then we combined them, we went from focus into awareness and added the time together, so now we were doing 10 minutes. So we spent about a week on each one and it was very hard for me to not want to jump to visualization. I'm like, okay, one, two breathing. Okay, oh, I'm in the sky, I'm in the cloud. There's my higher self.
April Snow: 36:09
You know, I know I higher self, I know I was thinking I would get bored with too much focus meditation. If I'm getting body work done, I'm having a trip, I get so many visuals. It's like I'm on drugs yeah, I get it, I so get it, so I just go right there. But there could be discipline in that.
Tori Deal: 36:29
Yeah, Well, also for you. Maybe that's a good place for you to go.
April Snow: 36:33
Totally.
Tori Deal: 36:34
You know like this could be. If this brings you to a state of feeling homeostasis within your body, then you're doing the right one. Truly, yeah, there's no, you don't need to. All three don't need to serve you.
April Snow: 36:46
Yes, what great permission. Yeah, if it's not serving you tried it, you gave it a good shot. Yeah, maybe let it go Totally. Oh, love this.
Tori Deal: 36:58
What a good teacher I mean. I love that we're able to talk about it, because it's such a passion of mine, because I've learned how to regulate myself through this process. And again, like I said, I really when I put pen to paper when I was working through your workbook, it was like, yeah, I need to like actually give this a little bit more life, because it's how passionate I am about it.
April Snow: 37:19
Well, I can tell. I mean there's clearly you have, there's energy there and it's worked for you. And now this is what it was like for me in therapy. Now I want to share that with others. Yes, right, like, let me not just keep this to myself. I don't want to gatekeep Totally. Yeah, bring this out. But I love seeing I feel like this has been a theme today as I'm hearing your story Everything is building Early experiences are serving you later and continuing on. It sounds like being an athlete has potentially helped you with your meditation. You with your meditation, or being that people-oriented person really seeing people and being able to connect with anyone helps you when you're doing challenges and maybe being around people that you're not used to being around. There's just so much that's all serving.
Tori Deal: 38:05
Yeah, well you know, it's so, so cool and I definitely think, like you know, obviously there's hard times, but, like I always look for the positive, I always look for the silver lining, you know, like if we're really here to just experience and grow, well, then that's what I'm here to do, and I'm here to continue to figure out how that growth can be reapplied and how I can reach a new level. It's literally my purpose here is to grow. That's it. It is to grow. I don't need to do anything else. Before it used to be, oh, I need to be rich and, like you know, I want to. I want to have money. Like back when I didn't understand anything, you know, but now I understand. It's like feel safe, be happy, healthy and grow. And what else are we here to do?
April Snow: 38:51
Exactly. I truly believe that's our life's work and I think when you're in alignment with that, whatever that purpose is, the money, the things will come as you need them to. Absolutely, I feel like you don't actually have to work so hard at those if you're in alignment.
Tori Deal: 39:08
I think so too, and also it's like when you realize the money coming in, when you're using it for your purpose, you'll be given what you need to use for your purpose.
April Snow: 39:18
Exactly.
Tori Deal: 39:19
You know you can just keep cycling it through. I think like one of the best books that I've ever read about money was the Soul of Money by Lynn Twist, and she talks about the spirit of money. She like helped major philanthropists who were donating money to, like helping end world hunger and all of these incredible organizations, and she had a point was like turning down people from giving major donations because energetically she was like this isn't aligned and I mean I'll let you read the book on your own if you want. But it really changed my perspective around money, which is not something I thought we were going to talk about today either.
April Snow: 39:52
You never know, you never know, but it's so important, right? It's very energetic and especially for HSPs. I think we always feel like, oh, money isn't going to happen for me, and this is a common mindset. I see it's like, well, maybe not the way you think it will, but it could. Yeah, and I love you know, I'm a big believer in that money is energy and we need to look deeper than just what's on the surface of money. So yeah, I'm definitely. I'll put that in the show notes for folks. Soul of money. It sounds amazing.
Tori Deal: 40:23
It's amazing. I think you'd love it.
April Snow: 40:25
Yeah, I think so too. Yeah, put that on my to read list. Yeah, yeah, I mean, there's so many layers in all this. You are someone that's really modeling, as I said. You know, holding the internal and the external, finding those balances, bringing more depth to something that we may see as superficial, like working out or earning money or being in the public eye, but it's more than that, right, and it's so apparent, like I said, it just pops off the page. Is there anything else that you want to share about balancing those parts of yourself, right? This really deep, introspective, creative part, and then this more athletic, resilience, external part?
Tori Deal: 41:09
Yeah, you know, I think I'm still learning first and foremost. So I still like I look at videos of myself when I was, like you know, 10 years ago and I cringed so bad, and so I can imagine I'm probably going to be cringing 10 years from now and it's just going to be a long life of looking back and cringing. But I think what is cool is that I'm showing up and the balance of it all really stems from what am I feeling when I'm super sensitive right now, and can this emotion somehow help me define what I feel strongly about in general and what I think my purpose is? And then how can I use all of these things in my toolkit, whether it's like working out or meditating, and then how can I use this energy that I'm creating in my body Because it's energy and how can I channel it into something that is going to serve my purpose? And it's a cycle of that, because sometimes I don't feel like I can show up.
Tori Deal: 42:11
There are definitely days where I just't feel like I can show up. There are definitely days where I just had a day like this on Monday. I was like I'm calling out sick. Meanwhile I work from home, but I'm like pillow or blanket over the head in my pajamas all day on my couch, did not move, so like, I definitely think it's a balance and I just keep trying to show up. Yeah, and purpose is a big one too. Just finding your purpose, like where are these emotions coming from and how can you return those emotions back into what drives you in the first place?
April Snow: 42:46
So well said, yeah, just that purpose, it's powerful. But also you need to rest along the way, yeah, Right. And when your body is saying powerful, but also you need to rest along the way, yeah Right. And when your body is saying no, even if you work from home, I think people get in this trap you can still have a sick day.
Tori Deal: 43:00
Oh yeah.
April Snow: 43:01
Right, you still need to hibernate and just shut the world out for a moment, and so that seems like that's what gets you through this kind of just this balance.
Tori Deal: 43:09
Yeah, I'm engaging, but I'm also retreating and taking care of myself. Yeah, a hundred percent, and then it's definitely been easier for me recently to start taking care of myself, and it's like rest had to be viewed as progress in a way?
April Snow: 43:24
Yes.
Tori Deal: 43:24
Yes, you know it's messed up because it's like I can only accept rest when it's progress Like does that mean that I've based my worth off of progress? Why can't I just be?
April Snow: 43:35
I know it's such a tricky thing because, yes, you can justify rest because it will make you more productive. But do you really want to have to do that?
Tori Deal: 43:44
No, it's like I mean I get. If it gives me rest, that's awesome. But, like more recently, I've become like no, I'm just going to chill. And now I get it. When I go visit my Nana at her old people home which shout out to them because they're legends in there, they don't care. And I feel like I'm getting to that place.
April Snow: 44:07
That's a dream, right the dream.
Tori Deal: 44:11
It's funny because I started taking guitar lessons because I've always wanted to play. But I tell my guitar teacher I'm like my goal is to not be good now, it's to be good when I'm 75, 80 in that home. Yes, and I'm going to be a rock star. Then I'm setting long-term goals. That is it right. That's the magic. Yeah, so you know it's all growing, though. You know that's what I'm really getting at here, just allowing myself to accept that, yeah, it's good to rest, and it's been a beautiful part of the process to learn that.
April Snow: 44:42
Yeah, and it's all growing, it's all feeding. The same mission yeah, and you're going to get there.
Tori Deal: 44:51
You know holding that goal of I'll get there when I'm 80. It's like, well, what's the rush? What's the rush, right? Yeah, like, why can't we set goals for when we're 80? Well, exactly.
April Snow: 44:58
Like oh, I've got 50, 60 years, I'll just take my time, I can rest along the way.
Tori Deal: 45:04
I'm going to take my time and take my sweet time, not rushing. I decided I was going to be on earth for a long time, like maybe a year ago. I was like you know what, I have a lot of work to do here. I don't know what, but I have a lot of work to do and I'm going to be here for a while.
April Snow: 45:20
Yeah, and just making that commitment, it's like, okay, yeah, I don't have to get there tomorrow. I can pump the brakes a little bit, takes the pressure off.
Tori Deal: 45:31
Totally. And also to like live in the moment, like there's so much medicine in the moment. It's like when I look at my cat, truly I see God and I like, I really do, like no one can tell me otherwise. God made this. Only God, the divine creator, like the universe, could create something so magical like this being who loves to be around me.
April Snow: 45:56
That's so sweet Cats are amazing.
Tori Deal: 46:00
Oh.
April Snow: 46:00
God, they're the best, Right. What's your cat's name? Miso? Oh, that's right, miso. Yeah, yeah, oh, so sweet.
Tori Deal: 46:08
So I think being in the present moment, like allowing us to be there which also meditation helps too it's really about being in the present moment. It's like if we can just exist, have more of these moments in our lives, then it creates the tension of, like you know, feeling like overstimulated or feeling like over emotional, or being unable to manage emotions, able to manage emotions, and then also like, when you're just out there and you're performing, it's like, well then, what's that third piece of just existing? Because what am I here to do? Just feel and compete, feel and compete.
April Snow: 46:37
Right, it's rough, that's really rough.
Tori Deal: 46:44
Rough, you need some breathing room, breathing room.
April Snow: 46:46
Give me a tank, exactly. Well, and if you're in the moments and you're taking that pressure down when you're pulling the covers up, you can just let yourself pull the covers over your head.
Tori Deal: 46:55
Yeah.
April Snow: 46:55
There's no, what about tomorrow? You know there's no. What ifs? Yeah, Like this is what my body needs right now, Let me give it to it Absolutely Right.
April Snow: 47:05
Yeah, so many good lessons today. Yeah, yes, tori, this was an amazing conversation. I really appreciate, I mean, all the layers that you shared and it was fun putting some of the pieces together and seeing the complexity of your story. I mean, this is a true HSP experience. Right, we have layers and depth and all these things that we grapple with, these bigger questions. I do want to see if there's any final thoughts you want to leave for listeners before we go final thoughts.
Tori Deal: 47:34
I'm just grateful, I think, like I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful for the space you're creating and the work you're doing. I was very excited to chat with you because of who you are and what you put out into the world, and I think that just kind of like leaves me on like a note of gratitude and how good it feels that's's always a safe space. You know, like if you ever feel like you need to find a safe space, find gratitude, because that's always a safe space in your heart.
April Snow: 48:00
It truly is, isn't it? It's like oh, there's something that I can lean into and attach to. Yeah and yeah, I just want to say welcome to the HSP family.
April Snow: 48:10
Yeah, Seriously you know you truly introduced me to it, so thank you. I'm just so grateful to. It's always amazing to me that I get to be a part of that process for someone and like, cause, I remember what that was like Someone gave that gift to me and then to be able to give that gift to someone else. It's so beautiful that that's how we do it. We just connect and pull people in and like, well, you know, this is you.
Tori Deal: 48:33
Yeah, absolutely, and like you never know when you're going to learn something about yourself, and so, yeah, it's never too late. I was pulled to your book like a magnet. I saw it on an Instagram post and I said I need to go in there and get it, and I went into Ren's the next day and I got it Like it was a magnet. So yeah, I knew it was the universe pulling me. Like read this, there's something here.
April Snow: 48:54
Thank you for that and, yeah, thanks for diving in and doing the work Absolutely you did that I mean, look where it brought me.
Tori Deal: 49:02
now you know exciting new chapters where I get to explore, you know, meditation even more, and so, yeah, I'm so excited for you for that.
April Snow: 49:09
I can't wait to see how that unfolds.
Tori Deal: 49:12
Yes, thank you, that I can't wait to see how that unfolds. Thank you, yes, thank you. And when I start hosting like virtual little workshops, I'm definitely going to host like a meditation party to celebrate my certification. But I'm going to throw a free meditation like virtual workshop online for people so they can get introduced to it. So when I do that, I'd love to be able to you know, invite your audience to come.
April Snow: 49:36
Oh, I would love to be there, thank you, and just to see you step into that role and be part of that community that you're building, thank you, and thank you for that invitation, because that feels really special to witness. Thank you Like oh, you're crossing over this threshold.
Tori Deal: 49:43
Yeah. Yeah, I'm still a teacher, I know Very nervous, which is why I'm going to be throwing a few free workshops to kind of get my, you know, but also very excited. So thank you.
April Snow: 49:53
Clearly it's a passion and a purpose for you.
Tori Deal: 49:56
Yeah, it feels, that way.
April Snow: 49:58
Well, tori, I will be sure to share for folks all the resources that you have, your website, your social media. Folks can pick up Soul Spill, please do. I highly recommend it. It's beautiful, the wording, the imagery. You and Vera have really done a beautiful job with that. Such an HSP haven, and I know you often do events. So do you have any events coming up?
Tori Deal: 50:19
Yes, yes, I actually do. I'm really excited to be collaborating with Little Words Project in the King of Prussia Mall at the end of May in Philadelphia and it's going to be a really cool little pop-up poetry event where we're going to be creating bracelets together, obviously through little words project, and then working on some poetry and helping people to kind of step into that, because everyone's a poet. Really everybody has the ability to channel creativity and it's just a muscle that you have to practice with and allow to stretch, and so I love to lead people through that experience and I'm excited to do that. So if you're in the Philadelphia region end of May, slide on through, because it would be an honor to have any of you guys there.
April Snow: 51:04
Amazing. I mean just to get together, to create, to connect. I mean your events that pop up look just so, so enriching and well fun, but also just really healing, just to have that space. I'm so just grateful that you're doing it. We need more of that in the world, Thank you.
Tori Deal: 51:21
Thank you. Yeah, it's so fun. You know, like I feel like it's fun to go out to like I guess it's not actually fun to go out to a club, but, like you know, it's fun to go out and do something that feels high energy but also has depth. So that's kind of what I like to cultivate is like how can there be depth but also feel like you're just going to hang out with your girls?
April Snow: 51:38
Exactly Right. I mean we need more of those faces that they just use.
Tori Deal: 51:42
We really do yes.
April Snow: 51:43
You're just, you're creating, putting them out there for us.
Tori Deal: 51:45
Hey, we're both doing the work, we're both out here, we're trying, yeah, we're trying.
April Snow: 51:54
Oh, I love it so much. Well, tori, thank you again.
Tori Deal: 51:56
Oh, thank you so much, april, it's been a pleasure absolutely.
April Snow: 52:06
thanks so much for joining me and Tori for today's conversation. What I hope you'll remember is that your emotions have a purpose, they are valid and that you get to be whatever version of an HSP that suits you. Keep in touch with Tori on Instagram and check out the show notes to attend one of her upcoming live events. If you enjoyed this episode, subscribe to the Sensitive Stories podcast so you don't miss our upcoming conversations. Reviews and ratings are also helpful and appreciated For behind-the-scenes content and more HSB resources. You can sign up for my email list or follow Sensitive Strengths on Instagram, tiktok and YouTube. Check out the show notes or sensitivestoriescom for all the resources from today's episode. Thanks for listening.
